A Letter To You

The time came when your world ended. The time that I never wanted to believe would come. The time where you were called to your forever home. My heart still can not believe that you’re gone that you no longer walk this earth. It’s so strange to watch life here go on without you. We never wanted that day to come. Leaving behind three beautiful babies and family who loves you. Don’t worry though your kids are doing just fine. Your sister is taking good care of them. Your son, yeah he is still a pain in the butt who we all love so much. He’s going to do big things he doesn’t even know it. Yeah, your daughters are doing so well. You wouldn’t believe it but school has become their favorite pass time, making friends and getting to see each other throughout the day. I love watching them light up talking about their day and all their little gossip. You’d be so proud of how far they are all coming. And yeah your sister is holing on I know its hard to see you in each and everyone of your babies but she’s being strong for each of them. I know its hard for her and she will keep it all in but she misses you so much. But your mom well that has become a sad situation on its own. We are all praying that she recovers and doesn’t get called home because sending you both off so soon will be too much for all of our hearts to handle. So watch over her and whisper for her to fight harder. Oh and I had my baby. we always talk about how if you were here he’d be yours. I know me and you talked about me having a baby times before he’s here now. But we miss you. And your time came when your world ended and took a piece of all of us with it.

I approve of my life

How can I say that

How can I wake up and know that the things of my past, present, and future shape me and I can say I approve of my life

So often we get into a tussle with ourself about where we are and where we expected to be. I find it so easy to judge our own life based off the lives of others instead of accepting where we are now. The only way that we can say those words “I approve of my life” is by truly being okay with where we are. As for me it has become so hard to accept that reality because of life its self, it is hard. There is so much hurt that I carry, emotional abuse, and just day to day struggles that I deal with. But I am coming to a place where I am approving my life. I am the one person living MY LIFE. I am the director of my life and everyone in it are extras. We find it easy to live a life where we allow everyone around us to direct our life in the way it should go. Starting from a young age. We are taught go to school, don’t do this don’t to that, go to college, get a stable job, get married, start a family. When in reality we are not all called to live that black and white life. Actually no one has ever or will ever live that black and white life. We will all do most of that but with so many major details that are involved with it. We have to accept ourself and all the mess that we go through in the middle of the “Great American” time line of schooling, jobs, marriage, and stability. Just know, your messy middle is what gives your life the fluff it needs to get you to your happy. I know it may seem like a hard road but as soon as you decide to wake up each morning and say to yourself “ I approve of my life” you will begin to see the joy in the middle of it all. I hope that anyone reading this begins to see how amazing their life is even when you are at your lowest of lows or highest or highs.

Running From The Alter

Imagine it’s your wedding day and as you get ready you begin to think about how much your life is about to change. You’re about to begin a new chapter one where your bond becomes better or worse. This is the time that will test your faith. But it’s time she’s (you’re)  about to walk down the aisle. As you see her coming (you walk down) you see every girl (guy) you’ve ever dated, slept with, cheated with, built an emotional relationship while you were building you guys’ follow behind her (waiting for you at the alter). You are currently in your biggest nightmare and you don’t know how to escape. You begin to wonder if everyone sees what you see and better yet if the person you’re about to give the rest of your life to sees. You brought it all with you all the past relationships you never talked about, the deep lies you hid from everyone around you. You’re exposed, you’re naked and now you have to decide to call off this life time commitment or wait and explain to the person you ‘love’ who and why each of them are here with you. 

Hiding the secrets of your past, present, and future comes easy to some but not easy to all. Imagine if life was like this, the day it was time to finally say I do and every old and new fling are at the alter with you. They are there because that is each person you’ve gave a piece of yourself to. You have to now share every piece of you with as much or as little with the last person you want to spend your life with. Now imagine if you had no one except the one person you loved waiting for you and the other person had many would you be able to love them the same, will you be able to see just that person or will you see them and everyone else every time you look at them. 

We have become a generation that has normalized giving ourself away. We have lowered our standards of who we are to be loved how we accept and not how we should be loved. We have lost value in things that are so valuable such as love because media has made it so easy to double tap, swipe, and devalue what love actually is. We are coming from generations who have never been loved and when we ask how do you love and no one can quite give a direct answer in how we should love one another. We all have an ‘idea’ of what we assume love to be but can we show what we speak or is it just broken words that are feed to use since birth “I love you” 

To The One Who Makes Me Feel Most Beautiful

You bring out the best in me 

You make me not need a mirror 

You always bring a smile to my face when I feel the ugliest 

You pick my head up when it drops low 

You never let me go a day without building me up 

You never bring me down or make me feel less 

You push my spirit to be nothing but the best 

You show me true love 

You make me feel my most beautiful 

F R I E N D S

They started off as friends 

Everything was perfect 

Well what they assumed to be perfect 

Everyday was spent together or on the phone 

Nothing could tear them apart 

No relationship or family member came between the two of them 

Some would say their relationship was too much 

Between them nothing was wrong 

They never actually dated 

It was talked about at one point but no action was taken 

Then everyday turned into every other day 

Every other day turned into once a week 

Once a week turned into once a month 

And just like that the friendship was fading 

Fading into what some may say ghosting 

They never intended for their friendship to die but over time it did 

It faded into just happy birthday and holidays 

They became distance 

Who would have thought something that was once so strong could become a memory 

Someone failed 

They both lost their fire for each other for each other 

Over time they tried to build what they lost but the flame kept dying 

Shortly after one friend realized they loved the other 

They loved them way too much but knew being together could ruin it all 

Ruin the friendship that was forming to become something strong 

Something so strong that nothing will break it again 

What if they were to be together 

What if this new flame was to turn into something deeper 

What if they just both lived in the fear of losing it all 

What if it took losing it all to gain it all back one hundred times better 

Their friendship will never die 

With every friendship there is a relationship 

With every relationship is hardship 

With every hardship is a battle that needs to be fought 

Are they willing to even try or just stay in the comfort 

Stay in the comfort of being friends 

They started off as friends 

To The Girls Who Need Love

To the girls who need love 

You’re looking in all the wrong places 

You’re chasing after a chance that needs to chase you 

You’re missing your worth 

To the girls who need love 

Know that you are loved 

You are valued 

You don’t need to feel the need to need love 

To the girls who need love 

I’m sorry your parents aren’t there 

That they were not able to fill the empty spaces in your heart 

I’m sorry your dad isn’t here anymore, he still loves you 

To the girls who need love 

We see you 

We see you trying your best to put on a smile for the world and cry yourself to seep at night 

We see the grind 

We see the best parts of you 

To the girls who need love 

Pick your head up princess 

You don’t need that man to make you feel special 

You don’t need to keep giving yourself away to fill a void for a temporary moment 

You don’t need to have a child to make you feel loved, your time will come 

To the girls who need love  

Stop searching 

Your heart is valued 

You heart is crying out for you to take it slow 

Your heart needs fixing 

Your heart needs you to be the first love and last love 

To the girls who need love 

unwanted love

On some days she doesn’t feel wanted 

She feels unloved 

She feels the furthest away 

She feels like there’s nothing she can do to make you notice what she’s going through 

She’s expressed her pain and worry but she feels like you feed it more than help her work through it 

She runs to her old ways because others are there to pick up the pieces that are shattered 

She wants that to be you 

She wants you to be there when she looses a piece of her self 

You don’t see her though 

You don’t see that she’s hurting 

You don’t see that she want to pull the love out of you that you have that you push so far away 

You miss the most important parts of being her all by picking up the pieces of everyone else because you know she’s strong 

She feels unwanted

Move on

It is time for you to own up

You are playing victim to a story that you need to let go of

You look for comfort and care

You use your past to cripple you from whats ahead

Let it go

You are the creator of your peace around you

Why are you allowing yourself to be victim in every situation you are in

Grow up

The choice is yours what you allow and do not allow into your life

No one has told you this but you are stronger than your hurt

No one told you but YOU ARE LOVED

No one has told you but you are ENOUGH

Pick yourself off

Leave your past right there

Move on

Okay Now Ladies

This is a message for my women out there. I am tired ladies!! I am tired of us trying to one up each other. We were never put on this earth to live a life like that. I want to apologize to any women out there that I have ever made feel small or less than who she is, sis you are so much more. You carry beauty and strength in ways that no one can match. You carry the weight of yourself and those around you and I see it. I see your beauty and I see your pain and I want you to know it’s time that we all stood together. I know its hard to trust I know its hard to look past what life used to look like but let us start here and send this to someone (another lady in your life) you are tired of fighting against and begin to fight for each other.

Ladies I’m extremely tired of how we allow men to view us. Ladies I want you to know that we came from a mans rib that we are not meant to be treated less than him. What that means for us is that we are equal. We were made to walk with men side by side, brothers and sisters or even husbands and wives, not under or above him. So ladies if you are in a relationship right now where you don’t feel valued or if people around you are telling you you are worth more GET OUT NOW! I know easier said than done, I’ve been there, I think for the most part we have all been there. I want you to know it will be okay to go through the pain of walking away and starting over than staying in the pain that will last a life time. You have a team of other women around you (me especially) who are here to walk with you through the pain. You have women who will be your biggest cheerleader and supporter. So sis pick your head up, get your heart from the ground as well and dust off your shoulders and lets fight this fight together. You are worthy of love, peace, and never ending talks because we all have so much to say and we just need someone to listen. 

Ladies I’m tired of us under valuing our own worth. I want you know you are “more precious than rubies.” (Proverbs 3:15) I know society has put a standard of beauty for us but I have to say it, FUCK society. You are beautiful how you are, acne, big eyes, big hips, no booty, small hands, big feet, the list can go on because you see yourself and you have pointed out every bad thing you see and believe to be ugly and turned it into insecurities. Baby girl LET IT GO. I want you to know that you were made in the image of God wether you want to believe it or not, believe him or not. ( I mean let me be real how else can you explain how we all really got here, nothing makes sense. Not even the fact that God made us, but I rather put my beliefs in God than anything else) You were made perfectly imperfect and beautiful in every way. So I challenge you to point out every bad thing you once accepted as bad and love it, begin to re love who you are. The next person might not find it beautiful but you should. So never forget how valuable you really are. You may not see it now and you may need a little help getting there to see it but I pray you see and find your worth real soon. 

Lastly, ladies you are okay where you are. I know we all plan to be married with children in a nice house or apartment. If you are not there yet you will get there. No need to stress yourself out more about not being where you want to be yet. So enjoy your current season, live your life to YOUR fullest and most importantly love yourself and empower the women around you, and the men too for goodness sake society has taught them not to cry and we all know how much a good cry can take a load off. I love you and I’m praying for each of you who are reading this that you find yourself again.   

Thank You

This goes out to all my lessons. 

While I was with you I loved you. 

Nothing in the world could stop me from knowing that you were the one, at that time of course. 

Of course I’m the girl who loves hard but I never allowed that to stop me from continuing to love whomever was next. 

You taught me how to be tough. 

You taught me how to love without expecting anything in return. 

You taught me what it means to smile. 

You also taught me how to build a wall so big that even I couldn’t see over it to begin to love who I was again. 

How can you tell someone you love them and treat them as if you didn’t? 

How can you give so much of yourself to allow that person to see so much of who you are to become exposed to you and close them back off? 

How can one love become the biggest lesson? 

I never would have thought that we would be where we are but I thank you. 

I thank you for teaching me that love is a sacrifice, one that you were not willing to take for me. 

Thank you for allowing me to see why some of us go through so many different loves. It’s so that you find yourself in the end. It’s so that when it’s time for me to love to someone else I am able to be just that. I am able to love that person for who they are and not who I want them to become. Its so that I can show love for where they are whether it’s in the middle of their mess or at the highest of highs. 

There will be no other way to be where I am if it was not for the love that you gave me. 

The love may not have been perfect but it was what you had when I was there. 

Thank you for being my biggest blessing.