It’s March 24th 2020 and the world is in a crazy time. We are all far apart but yet so close. The coronavirus has changed the norm of life. So many of us are going through it together but in a different way. I never thought in my 25years of living I would be stuck in my house with no where to go, no job, and not being able to see my friends. Yes I am with my family and that is more than enough but I need my friend fill as well. So here we are so far from what we are used to and having to deal with life as it is. How are so many people getting through this, I am not sure. How am I getting through, well here you go. I recently moved to Boston not knowing I would have to come home two weeks after being there. I thought I would be able to come home see my friends and just be cautious, but there is a different plan. I am now stuck in my house. I have been home for four days and when I tell you this has been the hardest thing for me I mean it. I am an introvert in spirit, but in reality I am an extrovert, I love being around the people I have brought into my circle, seeing new faces, and being able to go to the store just for fun. Being sheltered in my home has brought out some emotions that I did not know I had, it is bring me closer to the Lord (I needed that because it has been hard), but it is also a time that my friends have been closer than ever. The crazy thing is I spend so much time with my friends but its not until you cant see them that you grow closer. So for me in this time I am feeling anxious, I have spent two days not sleeping, one day crying and sleeping trying to find peace in these moments and here I am today thanking the Lord for brining me through the hard time that we are in. I really encourage everyone whenever you read this to know that solitude is such a critical part of our lives. Solitude allows us to find our peace in the times we can not see it. it allows us to grow who we are and to come above it all. I always believed I managed my life well until I had nothing to manage. I am used to working, spending time with friends and family, going to church, and just living. Right now I have to find time to manage my emotions, my time. my relationships, and my daily life. I hate that my solitude had to come from a pandemic, but here I am living in it and trying my best to come out of it just like the rest of the world. My advice to the person reading this, stay healthy, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Stay connected to your relationships, and say yes to everything you are invited to that you can go to. Life is going to be hard you’re going to need to know how to balance it all and having support is important. xoxo
YO JOSH!!
To the most amazing guy who walked into my life thank you. You have brought so much peace to my crazy. You continue to push me to be my better self in every situation. You have always said things that keep the gray area in my life at bay, keeping everything black and white and keeping a clear mind for when mine is fuzzy. You are the best of friend I have ever had and you will always be important to me. Never stop pushing yourself to find the Lord and keep pushing those around you. You are an incredible human, never doubt your existence because you’re here to be a light and your light shines even when you think it’s dull. YO JOSH you are great keep being that.
Missing Out
What we miss out on
we miss the small things in the lives of those close to us because we focus more on the big things of those around us. we applaud and morn for the things that need applauding and mooring but what about the ones who are dealing with small hurts and small accomplishments. we focus on things we believe need focus and loose focus for the ones we believe are doing just fine. we miss out on heartbreak because we think ‘everyone goes through it’ ‘they will be okay.’ we miss out on bad days because we focus on someone else's hard times. we miss out on whats right there because the ones who are right there wear a smile so well we miss the tears they cry every night. don’t miss out on whats right there, don’t miss out on whats out there, but also don’t miss out on what’s in your heart.
Waiting in Wonder
She sees him
All of him
She wonders what it’ll be like
To be his
She stays up wondering
Wrestling with the idea of what could be
But may never will
She feels invisible to him
To the world
She knows it’s just a feeling
But she cant let go
He doesn’t notice
She is left waiting
Waiting for the next
The next time
The next conversation
Waiting for him to see her
Waiting for those simple words
Words to stop the waiting
Words to bring the waiting and wondering to an end
The wonder of what he could have been
To the Guy Who Feels Lost
Somewhere along the years he lost who he was
He forgot how to love others but mostly he forgot how to love himself
He is now in a place of fear
A place of loneliness
A place of darkness
He does not know how to rebuild who he was
He knows theres only one way but she cant find his way back
He is afraid he has gone too far
He believes he has allowed too many toxic people in and they have now made him into who he will become forever
He wants to run from it all
He wants a way out,
but he doesn't want his life to just end because he still feels in his heart that there is purpose,
but where will the spark comes from.
He knows that he's strong even in the mist of his pain
sometimes his pain feels stronger than his strength and the bad seems to be the only thing that is going on in his life
He cries himself to sleep only to wake up to the same problems as his yesterday
He wants to feel the love that he longs for but how can he when life has cut him so deep
He waits longing hoping praying that the lords promises will come to him any moment before he turns further from who He claims to be in his life
He wants to trust again
He wants to love again
He needs the acceptance to know his value again,
but how can the lord love a man like him
His sins are so heavy
He doesn't know how to live with what he has gone through
He wants to run back into the arms of his Abba
His abba calls out to him and he hears but its faint
He calls out to let him know that he is okay, that the fight has been won,
His Abba calls out to him telling him that he is loved.
For Him
Whats funny is that she never fell in love with you, it just happened and she just knew. But she didn't know until now. Have you ever tried to make yourself believe that the feelings you have are false, and they are just feelings and that they will fade? She did with you. Have you tried to focus more on the idea that you will never be instead of manning up and communicating what is going on inside? But how could you? Heartbreak after heartbreak how can one even know what love is after giving so much of their heart to so many different people? She was young, she was naive, but she knew that you became the best part of her. She tells people “you need a few heartbreaks to find the right one”, but for her she had the right one there all along. She was just too blind. She wrestles with the idea of losing someone who is so close to her, the one person that she feels nothing but safe with. She's afraid of losing that person who she will spend every waking moment fighting with just because she knows at the end of any fight they will be okay. She is afraid that their forever will end when they go their separate ways, but she stays up late praying that their forever will be together. She loves him.
HER
I love when she can go through life and pretend like it’s peachy
She puts on this huge front like she’s not hurting on the inside
Crying for the lord to just grab her
Crying that so that he can see her
She sees him moving all around and she can praise people all day but she’s laying in her struggle screaming and no one can hear
She became so good at lying that even the people close to her couldn’t even tell the pain that she’s carrying
She lies so well she doesn’t even know until the doors close the lights dim and she’s alone
She only has all the thoughts that she pushed aside throughout the day to be the light to those around her but she’s dying
Shes slowing dying inside trying to hold herself together but she can’t
She wants to quit because that lump
That lump in her throat is painful
It’s everything she wants to let go of everything that has hurting her and everything that she doesn’t express
That lump it’s pain
That lump it’s envy
That lump is hurt
That lump is lust
That lump it’s the feeling of being forgotten
But shes lied so much and painted such a beautiful picture that people do not see that there is this painful girl just trying to escape
But how how can she escape when everyone expects so much from her
How can she leave behind what she knows to go to the unknown
How can a girl that seems so happy be so broken when the lights go dim
I Can't Wait Till.....
We watch the clock tick, time change, waiting. Waiting for whats next, the next year, the next day, or even the next season. But what exactly are we waiting for? Are you waiting for a new job, a proposal, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or are you just waiting for something new? Whatever it is that you may be waiting for I’m sure the words “I cant wait till” have slipped a time or two.
I find it easy to just dwell on what your waiting to happen and forget that right now is going on. I know that we anticipate what will happen next, especially if where we are right now doesn't seem great. But as we wait for what is next we miss all the wonderful things around us. We miss our friends and the good and bad times they are going through, we miss our family and just those beautiful moments with them, we miss just the small things that are going on in our lives and how we are growing into someone amazing.
Our I cant wait till mentality has pushed us to look and compare our lives to the ones around us and feel horrible for where we are. We see everyone “doing better” and we think of all the things that we are not doing or don’t have to be as “great” as they are. But what if where you are right now is where you are supposed to be to get you to the next great for your life? What if we are putting ourself on a time clock that does not even exist? How do we push through the I can’t wait? And how do we know if what we are even waiting for is our great?
Unfortunately we don't know. We don't have all the answers to where or why we are where we are. The only thing that can get us out of the I cant wait mentality is to focus on where we are right now and how to make it better. If you don't like the job you're at and you have valid reasons to leave then leave. Valid reasons being the drive is too long and you're spending more money on gas than you get paid. Not valid being I'm not valued, getting paid enough, or I'm bored. If you're single and it sucks, what is your friend group like? Do they push you to enjoy your singleness or remind you of how sucky being single is? Detoxing your friend group is a great way to enjoy where you are and better yourself. Are you dating and expecting him to propose? Are you married and hoping for a child? All of these things are real life situations and many times what everyone longs for. As humans we long to be noticed at our jobs, have a relationship that leads to marriage, and one day even have children but we have to take into account that all of these things will happen in time.
Now I'm not saying the I cant wait mentality is horrible but what I am saying is if you stay there it can be a danger to your mental health. If you put the I cant wait till before everything you will be constantly waiting for what may or may not come next. You begin to plan for things to happen, come up with thought out conversations, and end up broken when whatever it was you were waiting for to happen never does (in the time you wanted). Mental health has become one of the biggest better self goals for 2019 but still has not changed. Stay off social media, detox your brain of the I can’t wait till mentality and live in the now.
How do you live in the now? Wake up with the strength you are given and just live for that day, say yes to something you normally will say no to (as long as it stays within your morals), and just live and enjoy the day. Living in the moment has become one of the most hardest things, because we get the urge to post what we are doing to show those who couldn't be there. Put the phone down live in it and talk about those moments to people who want to hear about the good day you had, even if it was a bad day share that with them as well, we all need someone to express it all to without judgement so find that person. Another great way to live in the now for me is journaling. It has become one of the best things for me. I get to express my pain, my happiness, and all the in-between in those pages. Prayer is huge if you believe in God, or if you don’t believe in him but you still pray PRAY. But above it all, have a healthy diet and get as much sunlight as you possibly can. Some times we do not realize that our diets and sitting in the house all day play a role in our emotions. When you're sitting alone at home you are most likely looking at the lives or others in some way wether its Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook for you older ones, or even reality TV. You are feeding your brain all the things you don’t have and your heart begins to long for these things that it feels its missing. Pick up a book, non-fiction that way you're gaining knowledge and not feeding your brain romance (yikes, you'll just feel sorry for benign single again).
I can’t wait till I learn to enjoy each day as if it was my last. As great as my life appears to be I deal with things as well. I spend a lot of time in the waiting just like everyone else. I know it is a process and I know I still might find myself day dreaming of having an amazing family and a super dorky husband but I am learning each day that it will happen when its supposed to if it is even supposed to. Will I be bummed if it doesn't maybe maybe not, but will I learn to enjoy the little things as if they were big things yes. Will I spend less time on social media ahhh probably not just because I do enjoy insta (killing my heart slowly). But I am learning as my life goes on to just keep trusting in Him and living how I’m called to live. So good luck with your journey. Know that you're not alone and that many people can't wait to see what is next but you cant see the next till you see the now for what it is.
Dating and Relationships
How do we do it? It is 2019 and there’s still not an easy way to teach someone how to date. We look in the bible and it talks on marriage,but not dating. Dating came about in the 20th century, what does that even mean? That means dating is something new, something that we have just tested and tested over and over again. The reason the bible does not talk much on dating it because the Lord has called us to marriage. The Lord shows us how to love our spouse and what it should look like.
1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wive, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
Ephesians 5:22-33 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
So you're probably wondering, if he doesn't talk about dating than how am I to date? I wish I had the answer to that as well. I am 24years old and have been in 3 long term relationships that I thought would end in marriage, but here I am single and trying to wrap my head around how will my husband find me if I am not in school, or I go to a church where everyone is engaged or married. It gets scary. But then you also think of the scripture “May he give you the desire of your heart” Psalm 20:4, and you find a slight peace in your heart knowing that if you want marriage that the Lord will give it to you. So here are some lessons I have learned through “dating”: for one its hard, it requires time effort and communication, costly, and if your family does not like the person your dating it can get awkward. You probably know this because you have probably been dating around as well.
You may also be like me and try to listen to every dating sermon out there to see if your the problem, if you're broken, or maybe just flat out ugly(not nice, you're beautiful and never see yourself as anything else). But you want answers. You want to know why the divorce rate is so high and in the church. You want to know why people are spending more time dating and breaking up than they are getting married. What if I let you in on a secret? The secret is, we do not know what we are looking for. We base our #relationshipgoals on people on Instagram and think that is the face of a relationship. We believe that its not hard that it should always look beautiful and easy. So instead of looking there open your bible again girl, and or boy.
I was listening to a sermon one day not sure who was speaking but he spoke on being loved by the person you're dating. He spoke on what you're looking for: cherishing(where are you getting your worth), confident not conceited (selfless or selfish), controlled (by God or by man), clear conscience (what is controlling their minds), committed (to what, who), communication (leaders remove confusion). Hearing these words and looking back on the relationships that I invested time in I found that each person was lacking at lease two of these C’s. I found that these C’s are what really can shape a great relationship.
How do you make sure you live out these C’s though if you're not already doing so. Prayer, devotion, putting all your focus on the Lord. When you focus our herts and our minds on the Lord things, places, and people just begin to fall into our lives in all the right ways. Hebrews 11:6 “And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” These simple words tell us believe that he is real, and to believe that he rewards those who seek him. Such an easy way to live life and get answers to who you should be in relationships with, not just in dating but with jobs, friends, and even churches. Your time on earth is numbered use it to seek the Lord and live as though your body is not yours and you will see the reward at the end.
I hope you see that you are the MVP in the eyes of the Lord and he is rooting for you to have that marriage. He’s in heaven now looking down on you with a smile knowing that you have plans but He also has plans and His are higher than ours. Put your trust in him and pray with me through the good and bad times of heartbreak, and heart rebuilding.
Your a daughter of a king. Wear your crown!
Can We Talk About It?
The pain you're feeling? The constant searching? The over editing?
You're okay. I know that you don’t feel okay right now, but you will be okay.
This pain that you feel from others, not feeling accepted and not feeling wanted its mostly caused by you. You go into situations wondering what someone is thinking about you. As soon as a head turns and looks your way, your first thought is “what are they thinking?” The thoughts in your mind consume who you will become. You can have the best support system around but you are the one who is looking in the mirror. You are the one who sees the scars of the past. You're the one who tells yourself “I sucked today; I am ugly; I am not good enough.” The pain you're feeling let it go you're okay.
The constant searching, you're looking everywhere. What are you looking for? Are you looking for love, approval, or just a simple wow from someone around you? You are hurting yourself child. Lay your head down, rest. You are searching for things in a human and causing more pain than joy. Know that your joy comes from the Lord, that the searching you're doing you don’t have to look much further. The search is over, the Lord is calling you to freedom, to love, to acceptance.
Why are you over editing yourself? You're already an edit. You're a complete edit from the Lord. You have been made in his image. Your hips that you hate, the nose, the feet, every part of your body you want to change the Lord has made. You are telling the creator of the universe that he did a bad job, that his work was incomplete when it came to you.
Can we talk about how you are loved. Can we talk about the fact that ever situation in your life that was hard you made it through. Can we talk about the pain that you feel from the past, because it is taken account for. The Lord has taken your past and has labeled it your past so that you can look past it. You are brave.
Today look in the mirror. While you are looking in the mirror find everything you don’t like about yourself. After you do that write it down. Take all those things to the Lord, then to your closest person and begin to pray that you fall in love with each of those parts. Pray for healing over the past that caused you to hate it. Begin to transform your mind to love all of you.
Can we talk about it:
I have spent so much time worried that I will never be where I want to be in life. I worried that because I didn't finish school I was not good enough, but I am a manager. I was worried that I will not be able to live for the Lord because I am not doing all that I dream of, but to be honest guys we may not ever make it to where we want to be. But ask yourself ‘what am I passionate about?’ Most of us are doing what we are passionate about and some of us well we are in the messy middle trying to figure it out or just go with the flow. Know that you can still have your passions and work at a job that you do not love. It is hard for me to wrap my head around that sometimes because I am not in a place where I think I am thriving (that is because I do not feel challenged enough) but I am passionate about writing, children, making the Lord known. With those passions I can still manage, or work at a coffee shop, or even work picking up trash. It does not matter what your job title says, its what you do with the title you have. So I say all of that to say, I am in the messy middle where I put my passions on hold because I didn't feel like I could use them because I am a manager, because I believed the pain of the past, and because I put an edit on what God created and told myself I will only manage because thats all that I can do with my life. As the days on management continue I now work with children, blog when I make time, and talk about the Lord just as much as I manage. So what are you waiting for, a new editor of your story.