Completely Exposed (not edited)

As the year is coming to an end I try to remember the big things, the good, the horrible, or even the things that happened last week. I can not remember. The only thing I can are the times with you. It is like my brain is hiding memories of everything else but will only hold on to you. Its hope. Do I want to hold on to this hope? No, I only want to hold on to the hope of the Lord, but what if this is from the Lord? How would I know when hearing his voice has been so hard for me lately. I need answers and strength. I need the strength of the Lord because I, well I am weak. My mind wants you more than my heart does, and I do not know what to trust. My understanding is a blur. My hope is fading but only because I pray that the Lord rips the hope that I have for the both of us away. It is painful. I have been living in pain for two weeks. Two weeks of hoping and longing. Two weeks of trying to move on, but I cant because I have wanted nothing more but for the two of us to be together for what our forever would be. I hold on to the idea that the Lord wants to use us to change the world, but together. I hold on to the hope that one day you will see that I may be the wrong one, but we have a chose in life. And maybe I’m not who you choose and that is fine, because you didn't choose me. I still have hope that you may think you missed out on the wrong one, but I also believe that I have been horrible and I was not the right or the wrong one. And I do not know what to believe. So I write these broken words in hope that you will see me. See that I love you.